As you know, Soapies was started in Kelley’s darkroom in the spring of 1795. Kelley, our vampire in training, was awaiting her final transformation and as she sat in the dark, an eternity of boredom stretched out before her. What to do. What to do. Ah! Soap making supplies. Something new, something different, something the other Vamps weren’t doing. This could be her ticket to fame and while most likely not great fortune, at least it was something to occupy the years that would be spent in idle waiting.
So Kelley set out on the internet (yes, it was a very crude rendition, but the internet was actually invented in the fall of 1684 by Bronson, the handsome and daring vampire boy-man who utilized the sleeping brains of the humans in a kind of telepathic harmonious broadcast — a bit like the way scientists today use home computers to harness the power of multiple processes at once. In our case, Bronson had created the Super Human Interconnected Telepathic network, or SHI… erm, never mind. We’ll just call it by name.) Bronson had been responsible for the change in Kelley from red-headed Irish temptress to Vamp… but really, that is another story for a different time….
Now where were we?
Oh yes, Kelley, making use of the Super Human Interconnected Telepathic network was able to find that there were bulk distributors of all sorts of soap making supplies. She found containers and tubes, shrink wrap and tea bags, molds and boxes. Really everything that the home soaper would need to perfect their craft and begin selling to their neighbors.
Now in these days, one did not use vegetable oils and fats. Being as the world was rather dark and gloomy place (surely you’ve seen movies from the 1800′s. It’s always dark, sepia toned, and really quite dismal…) there were few green things around. Vegetables and nuts simply were not in ready supply. Instead, soap was made from the fat obtained from butchering pigs and cattle as well as from the bodies of the vast number of humans who had been drained of blood by the growing Vamp population as well as by the anxious hand of the ever-ready executioner. “Off with his head!” was heard around the clock and as a result, there was no shortage of bodies from which the wily soaper of the day could extract fat.
These soapers, after mixing fats with the urine of their drunken husbands (every bit as strong and useful as a pot of lye water) and crushed flowers collected from the trodden down muddy fields, had bars of something that was a bit more cleansing than a handful of sand, but still quite disgusting. And we wonder why the French used to douse themselves in perfume… the stink must have been horrific.
However, being as this was the 18th century, you used what you could and this “soap” was quite popular with the ladies in waiting as well as the other royalty that would ride from their manors to view and mingle with the riff raff during the Saturday market at the towne square. This was The Thing to do before there were cocktail parties and The Real Housewives of Some Exotic Location That You Don’t Live At and Wish That You Could. It was to these end customers that Kelley was looking….
Wait a second. What the heck?!
This is the wrong story. Our apologies! A giant Princess smack to the historian who has obviously been using the wrong notes and looking in the wrong history books.
So much time has been lost. What a kerfuffle. We’ll have to pick this up next week as we discuss the Royal Beginnings of Her Royal Highness, Princess Soapies herself. A Princess, not a vampire! And now off to give the historian a beating she’ll never forget!
In the meantime, I suppose there is time for a *very* brief look at where Soapies began…
It was in the year 1795. Kelley, a common farm lass with fiery red hair and piercing green eyes was on her way to market with a fresh bucket of goat milk when she happened upon a strange little man. He was dressed entirely in green and had a rather ridiculous cap on the top of his head. He jumped out of the bushes and directly in poor Kelley’s path, scaring her half to death and causing her to drop the bucket of milk, splashing the contents all over her freshly laundered frock.
Not being a shrinking violet, Kelley, once she had recovered from the initial shock of being pounced upon by this little goblin, immediately flew into a rage. Red hair on end she berated the little man with a string of curses and scoldings such as had seldom been heard by the innocent woodland folk or forest animals before. Stamping her feet and shaking her fist, she would have raged on for an untold length of time if the most extraordinary thing hadn’t happened….
Sorry, we’re totally out of room and time. The historian will pick up the story next week in the second edition of the Soapies Newsletter!